A Feminist Veiling for the Contemporary Jewish Soul

“I was invited to wear the veil of my fiancé’s grandmother by his aunt and with great excitement I accepted the honor feeling it would be a meaningful coming together of families. The veil itself is cathedral length and very delicate Belgian lace, something that felt sacred for its age and meaning. So when my sister, Simone, a rabbi and our officiant, asked if I was interested in a bedeken or veiling ceremony I said yes, though I had never witnessed one growing up in the Reform movement.

I asked that my mother, soon to be mother-in-law and aunts on both our sides be present for the bedeken, respecting my fiancé’s desire to not see me prior to the aisle entrance and left the rest to my sister. She worked closely for several months with Devon on making the bedeken ceremony something that was completely of who I am. I had no idea what to expect, or how much weeping in gratitude I had signed up for.

The bedeken, from what I have read, is usually a protective measure, a proof-of-purchase so-to-speak for the groom’s family to ensure they are getting the correct bride. This harkens back to the days of Jacob, being tricked by Laban into marrying Leah before he was later allowed (after 7 additional years working) to marry Rachel. I trust my sister completely but was rather curious how she might take a very patriarchal ceremony and make it meaningful today.

Simone and Devon collaborated to weave dancing, twirling, beloved books from childhood and today, poetry, tikkun olam, Taylor Swift lyrics and more into a uniquely Jackie blessing. I have rarely felt so seen or celebrated as I did while standing in the family barn of my partner’s grandfather I was asked to become certain in myself. Certain not in the coming role of “wife” but in the ways that I will continue to celebrate and live my own story. A woman of valor and of my own design, who happens to love and be loved by a brilliant, compassionate man.

Instead of veiling myself, as an act of modesty (certain to please patriarchs immemorial), I veiled myself as an act of becoming. Becoming a woman to be proud of, becoming an ever-changing pursuer of justice while in civil service, becoming a life-long partner and spouse, becoming again the poet I knew well at 14 when my sister and I still lived in our parent’s house. That act of veiling myself, not being passed an object to adjust my curls and further perfect my make-up was about being seen and sacred on my wedding day. It was about feeling completely whole as who I am.

After that step, veiled and learning to dry my eyes under the soft lace layers each aunt of Greg’s and his mother, and each aunt of my own blessed me for who they know me to be. For my accomplishments in school, for my dancing feet since I could walk, for the poems that I wrote and the joy I bring those around me. My mother went last and noted that words are my strong suit and not hers and that she only loved me completely.

Devon’s collaboration with Simone meant that the feeling and support of my sister, which is felt in sing-alongs, reading the same fabulous fictions and late-night movie nights could take shape in writing. I am very much a person who believes that avra k’adavra, (I create as I speak) and to have that intonation in a holy place, under a family veil, in the quiet time just before the aisle walk – we made magic complete and whole.”

– Jackie Schicker